When I finished my 100th marathon and first 100 mile ultra marathon, I envisioned my finish surrounded by friends, who were as happy for me as I was. I envisioned a celebration. This race was the culmination of the huge goals I set for myself and, while I knew that going out of town and doing a 100 mile race for my 100th marathon would not draw a lot of my close friends and there would not be much fanfare, I never dreamed that it would end with me devastated and in tears. I felt robbed of the joy I had worked so hard for and imagined I would feel.
I thought the sadness was about me being exhausted or the fact that I had a very traumatic indecent earlier in the night that left me devastated, betrayed and feeling dizzy and ill to the point that dropping was a real possibility, but I rallied physically and found a way to get through the rest of the race. Mentally however, I was a mess.
This race was supposed to heal me and help me find my balance, but since I have finished I have just felt this HUGE void. Instead of feeling like a top spinning smooth and balanced, I have felt like a top as it slows down, frantically trying to stay spinning just before it crashes to a stop.
I wanted to feel like a spinning top when I finished my goals for this year.
I had a great time at the Maniac reunion in Victoria, but I got to the airport to go home and I felt so emotional, I started to cry and the last two weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat. Running without a goal feels tiring and monotonous. I am really depressed!
I used to feel the same way when I worked for fashion designer, Betsey Johnson. We would work day and night for months sewing, cutting and gluing garments for Betsey's show during Fashion Week in New York City. Show day was busy and exciting. We would get to see our work on the models as we shoved them off on the runway. In 30 minutes it was over. Then the "now what?" feelings and the post show depression enveloped all of us.
I worked so hard and am proud of what I accomplished, so why aren't I happy? I guess I need to either set new goals or learn to relax. Both feel equally hard. Does anyone else get depressed after they accomplish their goals?